by Jenifer Montsinger

The child welfare system is complex and often confusing, even for those who are a part of it. The vulnerable child for whom you are providing foster care has been hurt physically and/or emotionally by those he should have been able to trust. This makes yours one of the most difficult and critical jobs within the whole system: helping the child heal. To succeed, you must be able to help him feel good about himself, which also means feeling good about where he came from.

As a social worker in this system, I can appreciate the conflicting feelings this must at times create for you. I can’t change those feelings, I can only try to help you use them creatively to become a more effective member of the team serving the child in your care.

The more you know about what I need and expect from you as the child’s foster parent, the more successful we will be as a team. The suggestions and thoughts I have to offer will, I hope, pave the way for a stronger working relationship.

Trust me to give you accurate information as I know it
When a child needs placement, I often know very little about him. I will tell you everything I know that is relevant to his care, but we may quickly learn that our initial information was woefully inadequate. Please don’t assume I have tried to mislead you. If you are just learning from me about something important, it is because I’ve just learned it as well. In fact, since you are living with the child, you may find out before I do. If so, please share it with me in detail as soon as possible so we can figure out how to handle it.

Keep good notes
Write down what you observe and learn about your child. Keep records of conversations with teachers, therapists, doctors, family members, and anyone else you have contact with. This information will help us plan for the child. Share the information with me so that I have a clear picture of how the child is really doing.

Understand that child welfare laws both guide us and
place limits on us
There are things neither you nor I can do without permission from the parent or the courts. This includes everything from authorizing HIV testing to having ears pierced. I know this can be frustrating for you and for the child, but we must work within the framework of the law. If there is a valid reason for requesting permission for something (e.g., a non-emergency medical procedure), we will do all we can to get the proper consents.

Don’t make decisions or plans about services for the child without talking to me first
Remember that we are both part of the child’s team and we must be planning jointly. If your child needs a special service, I will need to figure out how it can be authorized and funded before we make any official commitments. If a specialized service is to be provided, it must be authorized in advance by the custodial agency (DHS).

Be empathetic, not sympathetic, toward your child
Sympathy implies pity and a lack of control over one’s environment. Sympathy encourages dependence. We want our children to develop self-confidence and an appropriate sense of control over their lives. Empathetic responses recognize and acknowledge problems, but they challenge one to find solutions. This approach gives the child a solid foundation for learning to solve problems.

 Talk to me!
If I’m not giving you the support and guidance you need, tell me. You usually do your job so well that I may assume you don’t need much from me. I should be visiting with both you and your child regularly. If I’m not, remind me that we’re overdue for a meeting. You have a right to expect me to take time for a private conversation with you. Hold me to that.

In return, keep in mind that I need to be able to visit with your child privately to make an independent assessment of how he’s doing. Help me do this in a way that feels comfortable for him. My meetings with him are to strengthen the trust between the two of us, not to check up on you, so please encourage him to talk to me about anything that is important to him.

. Remember your PRIDE training
Be realistic about the child’s relationships and interactions. Children retain their ties to their families of origin throughout their lifetime, regardless of the treatment they might have received. No matter what your personal feelings about the child’s family might be, for the sake of his emotional well-being, you must respect that relationship.

Don’t expect the child to verbally express his appreciation for the care you have provided. Instead, look for the nonverbal cues—hugs, seeking you out to talk about something that is important to him, letting you comfort him when he is sad. These are his “thank you’s.” Your job is done well when the child’s foster care placement ends in a permanent placement that everyone can celebrate.

Licensing social workers are here to support, guide, train, and advocate for you!
If you are having difficulty communicating or getting things done, ask for help. Don’t let a misunderstanding fester. Most problems have a constructive, positive solution if they are addressed promptly. Your agency should have provided you with a handbook which gives you information about how your agency operates and who does what within the system. If you have questions about any of this, ask your licensing worker. Be sure you understand and comply with the requirements for in-service training, home visits, inspections, and medical exams in order to keep your foster home license current.

My commitment to you is that I will try to talk to you regularly, keep you up-to-date on what’s happening with your child’s service plan, find opportunities to tell you how much I appreciate the nurturing care you are providing, and include you as an equal partner in serving the child. If I have a concern about something, I will try to work with you in a constructive way to solve the problem. If you have a concern, please share it with me in a way that allows for constructive problem-solving.

Our needs, and those of the child, are best met when you and I have a mutually respectful relationship that is directed at the primary goal of achieving a permanent, safe home for OUR child.

Jenifer Montsinger is a social work supervisor

Kinship arrangements often spare kids

The stress of having to move in with

Strangers and start new relationships

From scratch.

Take, for instance, the family in the case example. For Mary, the decision to become involved was

made in order to help Rochelle, and to avoid having Jonathan taken from the family. In spite of her good

intentions, it's very natural for Mary to feel some resentment, guilt, and disappointment.

Generally, kinship caregivers have reached a point in their lives where they've raised their own children

and now finally have a little extra time and money. Any plans to travel, take a class, or volunteer in the

community must be put on hold. They are back to raising children again. They may feel overwhelmed

as they look at the huge task in front of them, and the time, energy, and resources it will take to be a

"parent" to this child.

Birth parents must also cope with changes in their roles. Initially, Rochelle is relieved that her mother

can take Jonathan. Rochelle can concentrate on her treatment without worrying about Jonathan's safety

in an unfamiliar home.

But eventually Rochelle begins to feel displaced. She feels as if she is no longer the mother. During

her weekly visits with Jonathan at DSS, Rochelle notices that he relates to Mary as his mother more

and more. Rochelle feels jealous of the attention Mary gets from Jonathan. She can't believe her mother

would take her place like this! For her part, Mary can't understand Rochelle's anger or believe how

ungrateful she is.

Solutions
In most kinship situations, the scenario is similar: life stages and roles get mixed up. Since their roles have changed, individuals in the family must learn new ways to relate to each other. For the sake of everyone

involved, it's important that all family members deal with these stressors. Communication is key. If

everyone is able to talk about positive and negative feelings, a lot of resentment can be prevented.

It's also crucial that the kinship caregiver have some type of support system. Family members, clergy,

and support groups can remind foster caregivers that they are not alone. Many counties have support

groups for grandparents raising their grandchildren. By offering a place to share information, solutions,

and feelings with peers going through the same experiences, these groups can help tremendously.

Other effective resources, such as parenting classes, mental health services, or respite, can be located

by contacting the local DSS or mental health agencies. The AARP Grandparent Information

Center (202/434-2296) offers a wealth of information on legal, social, health, and financial issues

affecting grandparent caregivers.

Michelle Linberger is a Foster Care Consultant with Methodist Home for Children in Wilmington,

North Carolina.

Copyright © 2000 Jordan Institute for Families